Thinking and changing is hard. It’s so much easier to sit back and relax, or even coast.
But I want more. I want to be changed. I don’t want to sit in my rut, blind to (or trying to ignore) my habits and tendencies that are sinful, arrogant, and messy.
I want the Lord to break my heart and put it back together so it looks more like His. Today. I want to want His desires more than my comfort and rules. Now.
To be fair, I see things He’s changed in me. For one, He turned my idea of what I wanted for a career completely upside down and I am passionately grateful. But I want so.much.more.
There is a dissonance between what is and what is to come.
How can I be more like Him today? In my waking up, keeping house, running errands, working, shopping, living?
How does one go about doing these things for His glory, saving and making more time to do the things that really matter? Or should I just go ahead and spend more time on those things, trusting the rest to fall into place?
My thoughts about this are a jumbled, horrible mess that I feel like He’s starting to untangle. There are bits and pieces that are moving toward what they ought to become, little bits of ‘yes’ in the middle of the chaos. Like figuring out how to use my online spending for good through Pure Charity and working with Cornerstone to break the cycle of poverty.
But the overwhelming temptation is to be comfortable and stay inside the neat little lines I have drawn. Discomfort? I want it but I fight it. Messiness? I crave it but I hate it.
Lord, teach me, teach us, to think, to give thought to our ways; break up our relationship with foolishness and deception. Hold our hand through the mess and let us be people who are your heart and your hands to the world around us.